I have very sad news. Little Bit is gone.
She passed away on this Monday afternoon. Last Friday night she lost the use of her back legs. Last Saturday I discovered that she was in too much pain to be picked up. I called the vet. He said that there had been too much strain on her back and the spine was swollen and this was blocking the nerve signals from her brain to her legs. He said that I should bring her in and he'd give her steroids and when that happened, the steroids would take the swelling down and he'd see if he could get her to start moving her back legs. He prescribed 81 mg aspirin for her. He said I should give her two. He said that that's all I could do for her. I called the drugstore for some aspirin and asked that it be delivered. Wouldn't you know, the pharmacist tells me they don't deliver non-prescription items?! What kind of drugstore is that?! I told him that I needed them. He finally did send them. I gave two to Little Bit. She got better. Then she started to get worse. I was able to give her more aspirin. Then she got better. I was able to pick her up without causing her pain. Then I sat in my chair and held her in my lap until I had to be excused. I had to put her down and did, planning to pick her up when I came back. By the time I got back, she was in too much pain for her to let me pick her up. I gave her two more aspirin (by then she had had six) and I was able to pick her up and hold her in my lap. I noticed that her back legs did not curl under her as usual. They were just hanging there. When I petted her, I noticed from the middle of her back all the way to the tip of her tail and her hip was warmer than normal. The rest of her was the normal temperature to the touch. I petted her and loved her and talked to her. We were doing OK considering everything until I had to be excused again. This time I devised a way to put Little Bit in the chair and leave her. I went to be excused. When I came back I went over to the chair and tried to pick her up. She gave an "I hope you understand I don't want to be picked up. It hurts" growl. I told her that I understood. I sat in the other chair and talked to her for several hours. I told her many things. I told her what the vet said and I said that it would take awhile, but he was sure that he could get that swelling to go down (not what he said, but hoping here) and when the swelling went down she'd get the feeling back in her back legs and she'd be just as good as new (he did say that when the swelling went down he'd try and get her to move her back legs and if she did, she'd be good as new). I talked to her for several hours. After awhile, she started crying pitifully. I looked at my watch and decided it was time for two more aspirin. She took them. They didn't do much good. Later I gave her two more aspirin. They helped for a very small while and then Little Bit began to cry again. I gave her two more aspirin. By then she had had six aspirin and I wished that the vet had told me how many I could give her. (he did say only 2, but I couldn't let her suffer like she was.) The last two aspirin helped for a short while and then she began to cry so pitifully that I decided to try the stuff that I have in my medicine cabinet for pain. I did get a tablet for her and when I held the tablet in my hands, a little voice said to me, "You know that could kill her." I said that I knew that and before I left the bathroom I asked God to see that the codiene did not kill Little Bit. He answered my prayer and for this I am grateful. Little Bit began to get better after awhile and then she stopped crying. She was even able to sleep some. I do know that it was after 12:00 midnight when I gave her the codiene and she went to sleep an hour after this. She slept until 4:30 a.m. on Sunday morning. She started crying and I got another tablet for her. After awhile, this was helping. She stopped crying. Later (a few hours) she started to cry again. I got her another codiene. This was Tylenol #3 (the generic for it anyway). This helped after awhile. She stopped crying for awhile. This continued throughout the day. She'd begin to cry and I'd get up to the bathroom and get another tablet (several hours apart--I tried to always wait 4 hours apart like the directions said, but we never made it. The most we went between doses was three hours (1:30? until 4:30.) By now it was late Sunday. I sat in my blue easy chair and she was in the brown easy chair. I talked to her and I told her many things. It got later Sunday and then it was Sunday night. Then she started to cry again. I tried to get her to take the codiene and she wouldn't. I thought I had gotten her to take one tablet, but she spit it out. She continued to cry. I tried again to give her another tablet and finally got her to swallow one. This helped for a short while. However, not very long at all. Sunday night she cried so pitifully! It broke my heart. I wanted to give her more medicine, but it was too soon. She cried more and more. Her eyes changed. It was because of the pain. I could see that she knew me but she was really suffering. I'd go over to where she lie and pat her and talk to her when I did she continued to know me. Sometimes I'd try to pick her up and when I did, she'd growl and I'd tell her that I'd never hurt her. I'd pat her some more and then go back to my chair. I had discovered that she had become scared on Saturday night. This happened because she could only now move the front third of her body. She wanted me beside her, but I couldn't move my chair there--there was no room. I tried several times to get her to take another codiene so she would not suffer. I got two aspirin and gave to her. I thought I'd gotten her to swallow them. She spit them out instead. Later I tried with a codiene tablet and she spit that one out too. I begged her to please take the medicine because I told her it broke my heart to see her suffer and know that I could do something only the something I did was not enough. I finally was able to get her to swallow another codiene tablet and eventually (a long time later) she quit crying so much and then for short times, she'd actually quit. We are still on Sunday night. She cried pitifully and then she'd get scared and that crying because of that was even worse. I learned to tell the difference and when I hear the "fear crying" I'd say to her, "Little Bit I'm over here. I'm in the blue chair. Lift your head. You can see me." After awhile she did and she quit crying from fear. This continued all Sunday night. I have not told you about the appointment I had set up. On Saturday morning, the vet technician had set up an appointment for Little Bit at 2:50 Monday (day before yesterday). I knew that Mama was (and is) out of town visiting my brother in Arkansas. I remembered that a friend of mine had offered to take Little Bit and me to the vet to get her nails trimmed earlier in the month and I called her and told her that Little Bit had lost the use of her legs and she needed to get to the vet on Monday (this was last Saturday) and could she take us? She asked the time of the appointment and said that she'd certainly take us. I also called Little Bit's groomer because I realized that I wasn't going to be able to pick up Little Bit because she was in such pain. I remembered however, how Judy (groomer) had picked her up with no effort and had put her in the carrier and taken her to her shop and then brought her back. What impressed me was how well she knew how to handle animals without hurting them. I have not mentioned that Little Bit was heavier than she should have been. I guess that by now you're thinking "what could she possibly weigh? 10 to 14 pounds maybe? She should have weighed 14 pounds but she was much heavier than that. She was too heavy. I believe that this was my fault. I gave her "people food" but I did it because I loved her. I did not do it to be mean to her. I also knew that she needed to be exercised and was looking forward to getting outside with her this fall and getting her used to a leash again and I promised her that we'd go walking this fall. Sunday night I told her, "We'll go walking but you have to get the feeling back in your back legs first and when you do, I'll take you to walk and let you play in the yard." However, this was not to be. I do remember that I called the vet on Sunday and got the answering service. I don't remember what I told him but he suggested that I wait until Mama got back this Thursday. I think that I must have told him that we were going to have trouble getting Little Bit to him. I remember thinking "did he cancel the appointment? I guess so." I tried to call Louise (my friend who was coming on Monday to take us to the vet) and I was going to let her know that the vet said not to come. However, I couldn't get though to her because her line was busy. Three times. I became more upset that I couldn't get her (this is on Sunday night) and I had the handset of the phone in my hand. I hit it against the arm of the brown recliner three times. I didn't think I hit that hard, but I noticed after that the phone was dead. I hung up the phone. As it turned out it was good that I could not get in touch with my friend because the vet had not cancelled the appointment after all. Judy, the groomer had told me on last Saturday that she'd bring a carrier either Sunday or Monday before I left. So Louise was coming and Judy was coming only on Sunday there was no Judy. This didn't help me. I had decided to ask Judy to put Little Bit in the carrier for me. Now it didn't look like she was coming. I later told myself, "Maybe she's coming tomorrow." I decided that she was. Now on Sunday afternoon and no Judy. Then there was Sunday night when Little Bit cried so much and there was so little I could do to relieve her pain and then there seemed nothing would work. I'd give her codiene and it didn't seem to do any good and then finally it would help a little and then more. Then we were at Monday (the day before yesterday) and Little Bit was still suffering. I tried to get her to take something and I prayed that she would be able to take at least one more codiene tablet so that she would not suffer. I did get her to swallow one more of the tablets. Monday moring was passing and Little Bit was still in awful pain. She had suffered horribly beginning on Saturday and then there was Sunday. The worst was Sunday night. Poor doggy. I tried to help, but there seemed to be nothing that I could do that would help much or for very long. After awhile, the last codiene tablet began to wear off. I went and got her another one. I was able to get her to swallow that one with no trouble. I petted her and said, "That will make you feel better. It will take just a little while to dissolve and then it will get to the pain." Then I went back to my blue easy chair. I sat there and talked to Little Bit. I was glad that she had stopped her crying. By now it was around 1:00 the day before yesterday. Just before two a brown SUV drove down in the cul-de-sac where I live and it stopped just past my front gate and Louise Grinstead got out. I told Little Bit as I got up from my blue easy chair, "Louise is here." I went outside and down the steps and across the yard. Louise wanted to know what was wrong with my phone. I said that it was messed up and people could call me but I couldn't hear them (that had happened three times that day. The phone rang and I'd pick it up and there'd be not even a dial tone there.) I told Louise that Little Bit was inside but we were going to need a carrier and I didn't have one. I said that I'd called Judy Wall and asked to borrow one, but she hadn't come yet). Louise said, "I have a cat carrier." I said, "That will be OK." Louise said, "It's at my house. I'll be back in a few minutes. She got into her SUV and left. I had gone back inside to say to Little Bit, "You wouldn't mind riding in a cat carrier, would you? Louise has one and she's going to take us to the vet." I must have gone back inside after Louise got in her SUV but before she drove off because I remember standing outside and watching her drive off and then in a couple of minutes after that, I saw Judy's while car turn down here and I told Little Bit, "Judy's here after all." Judy stopped just past my front gate like Louise and I told her that Little Bit was in the house and I asked if she put Little Bit in the carrier for me and she did and then she carried Little Bit outside for me. By this time, Louise had driven up and Judy told her that she was going to put Little Bit in the back of her SUV if she'd please open it and Louise opened it. I saw her put Little Bit (who was lying on a nice soft blanket of mine) in the back of Louise's SUV. I followed across the lawn and walked through the gate and got in the passenger's side of the SUV. Soon Louise came and got in the driver's side and we were off. We went to Perry, GA. This is 20 miles away from Hawkinsville, where I live. We missed a turn, and Louise remembered where Dr. Westmoreland used to have his office and we passed there and he had moved (I knew that but Louise had not realized that he had moved since she had taken a pet to him.) We went to a house and Louise tried to get somebody to come to the door, but there was nobody there and then she asked me if I had a card. I did and I found it and noticed it had an address on it too. Louise called from her cell phone to ask where Dr. Westmoreland was located. She got the info she needed and she told me that we had missed a turn back where that road went to I-75 so we went back there and I began to recognize buildings that Mama and I had passed on the wayi home from the Westmoreland ahd Slappey Animal Hospital. We saw the sign at about the same time and Louise turned and we left the highway and soon we were in the parking lot. Louise asked me which door we went in and I indicated the one on the right (which was the one closest to the road). She parked the SUV and I said that I'd go in and tell somebody that we needed help to bring in Little Bit. I went in and told the tech that we had Little Bit outside but we needed help bringing her in and she said that they'd get her. By this time Louise was there. A nurse appeared at the door leading back to the exam rooms and she told me to come on back, they'd bring in Little Bit. I came on back with her and entered a room with two black chairs and a steel exam table. Louise and I had just sat down when the vet came through the door on the other side on the room. There is another room immediately adjacent to this room. I noticed that it seems to be a room where all the medicines are kept. Shortly after that, two nurses wheeled Little Bit in on a steel cart. She was taken from the cart and put on the steel table. I noticed that when they had lifted her that she had lost control of her kidneys. I had noticed that she didn't use the bathroom since Friday. I had also noticed that she had stopped drinking water and I knew that it was important that she have water (this is from Saturday and Sunday night and also Monday.) I had first filled a glass that I had there with water and let her lap that up and later she wouldn't take that. Actually this was because I had dissolved two aspirins in the water. On Sunday I brought her the water dish that she uses and I put in in her chair and I noticed that she lapped up some water from it but on Monday she had quit so I'd go over and dip my finger in the water and touch it to her nose and she'd be grateful for that. She'd lick the water from my finger and then from her nose. I'd keep this up until she wouldn't take any more. (this was on Monday before we left). Now back to the vet's. The nurses cleaned up Little Bit after she lost control of her kidneys. Then I noticed that there was some green something on her right side and I told the nurse. She saw it and she wiped it off. I don't know what this could have been unless she got that from the blanket. One nurse wondered to the other one, "How much does she weigh?" I wondered that myself. The nurse who had been asked Little Bit's weight said that they had weighed her in the carrier and she weighed 47 pounds. Shortly after that, the vet came in and he asked one of the nurses to turn Little Bit on one of her sides. When she did this I noticed that he took several instruments one at a time and touched her pad with each of them. I saw him use two and I told myself that he was checking for feeling and I knew he was but that third one had a sharp point and I didn't watch. I looked at Little Bit looking back at me. The vet said to me, "This isn't good. She's lost all sense of pain. The only way to save her is to have surgery at the University of Georgia in Atlanta or let us put her to sleep." This was not what I was prepared to hear. I had expected him to say that they'd take her and give her steroids and I could check on her in a few days by phone and if she got the feeling back feet then I could pick her up in early October. This was not what he said. I said nothing. I was stunned. This wasn't supposed to be happening. Not to my Little Bit. Not her. He said to me that I could take her home. She'd still be the same dog that she had been but she had lost all use of "her backside" (his words) and because of this also in his words "she won't be able to use the bathroom any more and her kidneys will shut down and then she'll go into kidney failure which is quite painful." I couldn't bear the thoughts of her suffering any more. I thought about what he said about the kind of life Little Bit could expect and it wasn't good to say the least. It would have been horrible. I asked him, "How much is the surgery?" He said, "Between four and six thousand dollars." I asked him, "How much would I have to pay if I paid it off in installments?" He said, "They'd require at least 50%." That would be two thousand dollars if the total price was four thousand. Louise said to me, "Honey, the surgery's in Atlanta and you'd have to get her there and you'd have to go several sessions." The vet agreed with Louise. I thought about all of that as I looked at my beautiful Little Bit. I said, "I think the kindest thing that I could do was to have her put to sleep." I noticed that they were all still standing there. They seemed to be waiting. Then Louise asked, "Is that what you want to do?" I didn't want Little Bit to suffer any more so I said, "Yes." The vet said, "I'll fill out a form that says you will allow us to use the solution and you sign it." He wrote something and then put the form on the table beside Little Bit along with a pen. I got up and signed the form. I was numb. I sat back down and looked at Little Bit. Louise said, "Don't you want to go over and love her and say good-bye?" I said, "Yes." I got up and went over to Little Bit and rubbed her head and petted it and I told her I loved her and that I was sorry the way things had turned out for her. I told her again that I loved her and then I said, "Good-bye, Little Bit." I was going to stay with her. I had expected that he ask if I wanted to stay but he didn't. Actually I'm glad that he didn't because I couldn't bear to see her die or to see her dead. The feeling that I got from him when I looked at him was "you should go. you don't want to go through this." I was in shock, but I agreed even though nobody said anything. After I said good-bye to Little Bit, I turned and left the exam room but I would have never left if she had began to become afraid when I walked away from the table. She was not afraid. She trusted the nurses and she trusted the vet and so did I. They all loved her. I knew that. Before I left, after I signed the form, the vet said that there were two ways we could handle her remains. I could leave her remains with them to be cremated. I never found out what the other one was because I nodded my head, indicating that I wanted to leave her with them. Then as I said earlier, I loved and petted Little Bit and told her good-bye and Louise and I left. I remember that Louise said later the nurses had tears in their eyes. I didn't notice because there were tears in my eyes too. There still are. After I left Louise and I went down the hall where the bills were paid. The nurse at the desk said to me, "He'll have your bill up here soon." It came within a couple of minutes. She told me that the bill was $47.50. I paid her and she gave me the bill. Then Louise and I went home. When we drove up here, I noticed a yellow hang tag on my door from the phone company. I told Louise, "I see the phone company was here." As I got out of her SUV I thanked her and closed the door and walked around the front of it and then through the gate across the yard to the front door. When I opened it, I was not prepared for what greeted me. There was total emptiness and it was so silent! There was no Little Bit to greet me at the door like she used to do. Monday was very hard for me. I cried a lot. Yesterday was a little better. I went out to the convience store to notify the phone company that I wanted to lease one of their phones. Monday morning I had gone out intending to go the the convience store to notify the phone company. Fortunately I only had to go to one of my neighbors to notify the phone company that I wanted a phone. Then I asked them to get in touch with Louise Grinstead for me. I don't know who I was speaking too. She must have been new surely but she had never heard of Louise Grinstead. Finally she found a listing for her and she connected me to Louise's phone. I got her voicemail and I left the message that Little Bit was in terrible pain and I knew the appointment was toda at 2:50 but I felt like she should be taken there as soon as possible even if we had to wait after we got over there at least we'd be there where they could help her. This was on Monday morning. I thanked the neighbor and he said, "I hope you get your phone." I thanked him again and walked back home. At the time I left, Little Bit was in no pain or I would never have left. This was Monday morning. Today is Wednesday morning. My house is too quite. It is so lonesome here without my buddy. I miss her. I want to go back and have the whole thing to be different. I want her to have had some feeling in her legs so that the vet could have given her the steroids that would have taken the swellling down. I wanted to come and pick her up sometime in October. I wanted to buy her something for Christmas. I was even going to knit a blanket for her. When I got home Monday afternoon and I sat in the brown easy chair I happened to look to my left where the phone was and on that table I saw Little Bit's collar. I had taken it off for her on Saturday night. I am glad that I have it. I will keep it.
Having an animal put to sleep is against everything I believe in although I don't want them to suffer. I never thought that I would have to give the permission to kill my darling. I can't get over the feeling that I killed her. I didn't have this feeling Monday. That appeared yesterday. Part of me knows that having her put to sleep was the kindest thing that I could have done for her. Part of me says why did you harm her? Why did you kill her? I didn't kill her. I only gave permission for the vet to. And I love her. I am devasted. Nothing is fun any more, even the things that she and I used to enjoy. I used to enjoy being on the Internet and the computer. No more. Everything is so empty now without her.
