Well, there is another E-mail Smiles being closed #6, If you have been checking out the others, you'll know why, and what to do.
Here is also a link to...From A Email I Was Sent ...From Zenith
If you have anything that can make you smile or laugh, then please do add it to your reply.
And be careful what you put in here, or it will be deleted right away.
For anyone that's new, here is #6, so you can read some more Smile and the first post.
Well enjoy!
Lorraine
Full Version: E-mail Smiles 7
QUOTE(LF from MC @ Jan 24 2007, 07:14 PM) 
And be careful what you put in here, or it will be deleted right away.
Lorraine
Somehow I feel threatened. 
QUOTE(Marcia @ Jan 24 2007, 08:36 PM)
Somehow I feel threatened. Maybe I should say...Watch out for the MOD cop...Click to view attachment
Ok, back to business, here is some I receives...I just wish I could add the images, but there's too many.
******************************************************************************
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."
In India the Sardar [Sikh... turband indian from the state of Punjab] is the butt of all jokes.
A sardar is on a flight from India to South Africa. After a long while, the Captain makes an announcement that they were crossing the equator. The Sardar quickly looks out of the window to have a glimpse of the equator. After trying in vain to view the equator, he calls the airhostess and demands that he would not believe the captain untill he is shown the equator. The witty airhostess walks to the back of the aircraft and fetches a telescope. She asks the Sardar to see through it. As the sardar starts to focus the telescope, the airhostess plucks a strand of the sardars hair and places it in front of the lense and askes the sardar if he saw the Equator. The sardar leaps with joy say " Yeah I can see the equator, I can also see an elephant walking on it"
Sunaabh
A sardar is on a flight from India to South Africa. After a long while, the Captain makes an announcement that they were crossing the equator. The Sardar quickly looks out of the window to have a glimpse of the equator. After trying in vain to view the equator, he calls the airhostess and demands that he would not believe the captain untill he is shown the equator. The witty airhostess walks to the back of the aircraft and fetches a telescope. She asks the Sardar to see through it. As the sardar starts to focus the telescope, the airhostess plucks a strand of the sardars hair and places it in front of the lense and askes the sardar if he saw the Equator. The sardar leaps with joy say " Yeah I can see the equator, I can also see an elephant walking on it"
Sunaabh
Gosh thanks, number 3 was the best at this moment in time. I copied and put them into Word and save them to a folder in My Documents, Great post......:-)
If you know of anyone that is feeling low, just send them here, there's sure to be something that will make them laugh.....Another one
Why God Made Mothers, Elementary Schoolkid's Answers
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms works at work & works at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Why God Made Mothers, Elementary Schoolkid's Answers
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms works at work & works at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
I got to come back and get this one to Lorriane. Found Snagt It my screen shot tool. But the Fax Wizard pops up when I click the capture button.
I like.
I like.
This is another Sardar Joke:
In India, you'll find people from all religions and walks of life. Once, priests representing different religious sects gatered at a religious congregation. The issue they were discussing was regarding the ways and means of utilisation of donations and charity funds received by the houses of prayers.
The first speaker is a Pandit [A Hindu priest] representing the Hinduism.
He says "... I take all the collection to a open area, draw a big circle on the ground representing the sun, then take 108 [this number is supposed to be auspicious to the Hindus] steps backwards, close my eyes, say my prayers a 108 times and offer all the collection to God by throwing them in the direction of the circle. Whatever falls inside the circle belongs to god and the rest is mine..."
No sooner had the Pandit stopped speaking, A Maulvi representing the Muslims took on the mike:
"... We do something similar, infact the Hindus copied it from us... instead of the sun, we draw a star and a cresent shaped moon... perform namaaz, take 786 [auspicious for muslims] steps backwards and do as the pandit does. what ever falls in the star and the moon belongs to Allah, the rest I accept as a gift from Him..."
This way one after the other religious heads of various religions kept speaking. There was a Sardar representing Sikhism... he could no longer keep quiet. He grabbed the mike and lashed at the earlier speakers branding them cheats and what not... A man from the stands rose and asked him to explain how he utilised the donations he received at the Gurudwara [ the temple of the Sikhs].
The sardar goes on to elaborate:
" I don't draw pictures or indulge in hanky panky rituals, mine is a simple procedure... out in the open sky I fling all the collections heaven wards, what ever the God needs, He takes..., the rest is returned to me..."
Sunaabh
In India, you'll find people from all religions and walks of life. Once, priests representing different religious sects gatered at a religious congregation. The issue they were discussing was regarding the ways and means of utilisation of donations and charity funds received by the houses of prayers.
The first speaker is a Pandit [A Hindu priest] representing the Hinduism.
He says "... I take all the collection to a open area, draw a big circle on the ground representing the sun, then take 108 [this number is supposed to be auspicious to the Hindus] steps backwards, close my eyes, say my prayers a 108 times and offer all the collection to God by throwing them in the direction of the circle. Whatever falls inside the circle belongs to god and the rest is mine..."
No sooner had the Pandit stopped speaking, A Maulvi representing the Muslims took on the mike:
"... We do something similar, infact the Hindus copied it from us... instead of the sun, we draw a star and a cresent shaped moon... perform namaaz, take 786 [auspicious for muslims] steps backwards and do as the pandit does. what ever falls in the star and the moon belongs to Allah, the rest I accept as a gift from Him..."
This way one after the other religious heads of various religions kept speaking. There was a Sardar representing Sikhism... he could no longer keep quiet. He grabbed the mike and lashed at the earlier speakers branding them cheats and what not... A man from the stands rose and asked him to explain how he utilised the donations he received at the Gurudwara [ the temple of the Sikhs].
The sardar goes on to elaborate:
" I don't draw pictures or indulge in hanky panky rituals, mine is a simple procedure... out in the open sky I fling all the collections heaven wards, what ever the God needs, He takes..., the rest is returned to me..."
Sunaabh
A calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I would lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I would lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
QUOTE(Marcia @ Feb 1 2007, 05:26 PM)
A calm a.... That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
LOL
From a SMS I was sent:
GIRLFRIENDS are like Internet Virus:
They Enter ur life,
SCAN yur pockets,
TRANSFER yur money,
EDIT yur mind,
DOWNLOAD their problems,
DELETE yur smiles
& HANG U 4 ever
GIRLFRIENDS are like Internet Virus:
They Enter ur life,
SCAN yur pockets,
TRANSFER yur money,
EDIT yur mind,
DOWNLOAD their problems,
DELETE yur smiles
& HANG U 4 ever
QUOTE(sunaabh @ Feb 1 2007, 10:04 PM)
From a SMS I was sent:
GIRLFRIENDS are like Internet Virus:
They Enter ur life,
SCAN yur pockets,
TRANSFER yur money,
EDIT yur mind,
DOWNLOAD their problems,
DELETE yur smiles
& HANG U 4 ever
I might of said something instead of edit you mind
all worth it in the end though
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
I'm glad it was your mouth, and not my mouth.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN
YOU'RE
OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and
he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and
that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've
just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
YOU'RE
OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and
he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and
that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've
just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
QUOTE(skysoldier @ Feb 1 2007, 03:02 AM)
I got to come back and get this one to Lorriane. Found Snagt It my screen shot tool. But the Fax Wizard pops up when I click the capture button.
I like.
Got it in word .doc now I see you got another. Gotta go now but when I come back this will be first thanks Lorraine, great topic area.
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad". With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my centre desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my centre desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
That was a good one, Lorraine and one I haven't heard. It's hard to come up with some that haven't already been circulated a million times around the web.
QUOTE(Marcia @ Feb 3 2007, 08:14 AM)
It's hard to come up with some that haven't already been circulated a million times around the web.
Michael, I'm glad you like this topic, it's always nice to come in here, to see something that will make you smile, or laugh.
Scorp, I wonder how many fathers and mothers have see that, and maybe have changed there thoughts about bad report cards.
Yes, there are some that no matter how many times I have seen them, I still laugh. 
IF OUR PETS HAD A DIARY
Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite
thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My
favorite thing!
Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on
fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make
my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep
up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its
headless body at their feet. I had hoped this
would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments
about what a "good little hunter" I am. The
audacity!
There was some sort of assembly of their
accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary
confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the
food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving
around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the
stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners
here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives
special privileges. He is regularly released -
and seems to be more than willing to return. He
is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe
him communicate with the guards regularly. I am
certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an
elevated cell, so he is safe . . . . FOR NOW!!!!!
IF OUR PETS HAD A DIARY
Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite
thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My
favorite thing!
Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on
fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make
my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep
up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its
headless body at their feet. I had hoped this
would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments
about what a "good little hunter" I am. The
audacity!
There was some sort of assembly of their
accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary
confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the
food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving
around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the
stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners
here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives
special privileges. He is regularly released -
and seems to be more than willing to return. He
is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe
him communicate with the guards regularly. I am
certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an
elevated cell, so he is safe . . . . FOR NOW!!!!!
Golf
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, and I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two Years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on it s side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"
Some things are sacred.
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, and I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two Years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on it s side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"
Some things are sacred.
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to
time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was
which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was
which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
Scorpion that was great!From SMS;
A man was in conversation with another man at a funeral.
"I wanna die like my uncle died... peacefully in his sleep and not like the guys screaming in the bus he was driving."
HISTORY LESSON WITH A MORAL:
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
!
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, Leon Fraser, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However:
In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work...... Play golf!
•§- AND, another blonde joke -§•
Amy, a blonde Texas City girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
!
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, Leon Fraser, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However:
In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work...... Play golf!
•§- AND, another blonde joke -§•
Amy, a blonde Texas City girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
LOL
I can guess which one you're laughing at sunaabh, and I don't think it's the History Lesson.
Another one...
THE COAT HANGER
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter
was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to
get some medication. She got back to her Car and found that she had locked
her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what
had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She
said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been
left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked
their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and Said, "I don't know
how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a
beat up old motorcycle pulled up , with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was
wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is
what you sent to help me?"
But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of
his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very
sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I
must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the
car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said,"Thank
You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice Man. I just got out of prison today.
I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out Loud, "Oh,
Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Isn't God good?
THE COAT HANGER
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter
was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to
get some medication. She got back to her Car and found that she had locked
her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what
had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She
said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been
left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked
their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and Said, "I don't know
how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a
beat up old motorcycle pulled up , with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was
wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is
what you sent to help me?"
But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of
his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very
sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I
must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the
car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said,"Thank
You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice Man. I just got out of prison today.
I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out Loud, "Oh,
Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Isn't God good?
God is great he has made every one for a purpose.... LOL
This is more true than not.....
1975 vs. 2005
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: KEG
2005: EKG
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office
1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco
2005: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever
2005: Depends
1975 vs. 2005
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: KEG
2005: EKG
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office
1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco
2005: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever
2005: Depends
I'm laughing at all of them. And now will add to the humor. Now this in no way implies any racial disrespect.
Redneck Math Challenge
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
( '86 Dodge Diplomat
© '80 Ford pickup.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't cha? It's okay if ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare ya for in this life. As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK MATH CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place a delivery order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
Redneck Math Challenge
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
( '86 Dodge Diplomat
© '80 Ford pickup.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't cha? It's okay if ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare ya for in this life. As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK MATH CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place a delivery order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
Hey!! Sky, where are the answers?? I like the last one... 
QUOTE
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place a delivery order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them
Words of wisdom:
There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
Remember, it’s lonely at the top, but it’s comforting to look down on everyone at the bottom.
Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there’s no end to what you can’t do.
If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you’re pretentious.
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.
The best leaders inspire by example. When that’s not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well too.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you’re one of them.
It’s always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
Remember, it’s lonely at the top, but it’s comforting to look down on everyone at the bottom.
Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there’s no end to what you can’t do.
If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you’re pretentious.
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.
The best leaders inspire by example. When that’s not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well too.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you’re one of them.
It’s always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati, he asked her "what did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati, he asked her "what did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Tough Love vs. Spanking
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those moments".
One that I found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.
I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Its very effective!
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those moments".
One that I found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.
I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Its very effective!
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
I guess going 99 miles per hr. would usually calm them down.
So you heard it before, I bet you forgot half.......
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
**************************************************************
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
**************************************************************
In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."
**************************************************************
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile" In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the expression "losing face."
**************************************************************
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced". . . wore a tightly tied lace.
**************************************************************
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
**************************************** * *****= ****************
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."
**************************************************************
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."
**************************************************************
One more: bet you didn't know this!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem..how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
**************************************************************
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
**************************************************************
In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."
**************************************************************
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile" In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the expression "losing face."
**************************************************************
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced". . . wore a tightly tied lace.
**************************************************************
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
**************************************** * *****= ****************
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."
**************************************************************
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."
**************************************************************
One more: bet you didn't know this!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem..how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)
THE HYPNOTIST.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself,
and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches
are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a
ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't
you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips
off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into
the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move,
I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and
comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed and
makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two
was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and
her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his
wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying...
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself,
and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches
are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a
ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't
you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips
off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into
the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move,
I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and
comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed and
makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two
was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and
her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his
wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying...
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
20 Ways To Tell A Man His Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your rocket ship
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your rocket ship
Hmmmm, and I wonder where the wife will be Scorp
Chris, around this neck of the woods, we say...
You better close your barn door, before the cows get out.
Chris, around this neck of the woods, we say...
You better close your barn door, before the cows get out.
QUOTE(LF from MC @ Feb 27 2007, 11:42 PM)
Chris, around this neck of the woods, we say...
You better close your barn door, before the cows get out.
You better close your barn door, before the cows get out.
My grandma used to say: "Close your wallet, I'll pay the bill"... I miss her.
Can't recall grandma saying much now. But I love reading this thread. Just great.
let me post this.
Life Explained
-----
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty t he cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
let me post this.
Life Explained
-----
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty t he cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Very good one Michael !
Thanks Chris, but credit for the find goes to another. I have read this thread from the beginning (each time) about 4 times now and just get tickled or laugh so hard it hurts.
Just trying to add to the greatness I read here.
Just trying to add to the greatness I read here.
Management Lessons
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year' s racing team was out-sourced to India.
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year' s racing team was out-sourced to India.
Now this is tipical and so true in many ways it just goees to make my point in post five @
http://www.suggestafix.com/index.php?showt...mp;#entry177733
I sense the humor but the foolishness is all to real.
http://www.suggestafix.com/index.php?showt...mp;#entry177733
I sense the humor but the foolishness is all to real.
QUOTE(skysoldier @ Feb 28 2007, 12:39 PM)
Can't recall grandma saying much now. But I love reading this thread. Just great.
let me post this.
Life Explained
-----
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty t he cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
I've it here for you to read it again... LOL this real good.... LOL
This
QUOTE(Scorpion @ Mar 1 2007, 04:01 AM)
Management Lessons
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. .......... American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year' s racing team was out-sourced to India.
Yeah I guess this is what is happening.... India the out-sourcing hub.... LOL
And it all started with Tech Support going to India 4 or more years ago.
below is a speech Bill Gates gave at some school. Reality of life.
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they
did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,
politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no
concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the
real world. Love him or hate him, he sure hit the nail on the head with
this!
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your
dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -
they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes
and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before
you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and
they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This
doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in
real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off
and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF Do
that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have
to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English - Thank a soldier!
below is a speech Bill Gates gave at some school. Reality of life.
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they
did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,
politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no
concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the
real world. Love him or hate him, he sure hit the nail on the head with
this!
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your
dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -
they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes
and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before
you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and
they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This
doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in
real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off
and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF Do
that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have
to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English - Thank a soldier!
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.